Nintendo Grants Gamer’s Wishlist: What’s Next?
Soapbox features enable our individual writers and contributors to voice their opinions on hot topics and random stuff they’ve been chewing over. Today, Kate runs down her Switch wishlist and wonders if Nintendo has her phone bugged (or maybe just reads her articles)…
Oh, I have been spoiled this year. Suspiciously spoiled, in fact. With Ghost Trick, the Apollo Justice Trilogy, the Fantasy Life sequel, and the Paper Mario: Thousand-Year Door remake all either announced or released this year, it’s almost as if Nintendo is watching me, listening to me go on and on (and on and on and on) about my niche-ish favourite games of all time. Either I’m the luckiest girl and 2023 is just my year, or someone at Nintendo loves me very much.
But now, I have somewhat of a first-world problem. What are you supposed to do when Nintendo clears out your wishlist in the space of a few months? I’ve spent the last decade pining for some of these games, and now they’re all just… gone. And if you know me, you know I love to pine. What am I supposed to pine over now?!
So, in the interest of giving myself a new wishlist, I’ve come up with some potential solutions if you, like me, find yourself suddenly getting everything you’ve ever wanted.
Find New Favourites
The easiest solution, I guess, is to create a whole new wishlist. Maybe something similarly niche-ish, but beloved; one of those cult favourites that make you seem like a Cool Guy whenever you mention them. I mean, I won’t lie — having Fantasy Life as one of my Top 5 makes certain people think I’m some kind of genius tastemaker with specific-but-brilliant preferences in video games. And I do like feeling cool.
You say Breath of the Wild is your favourite Zelda game, people think, “Yeah, sure, it’s a really good game.” But you say Minish Cap is your favourite, and everyone thinks you’re a badass who goes against the grain. So edgy and correct of you!
So, let’s see. The kind of cult level I’m thinking is something like… the Yakuza games. Bloodborne. Fable 2. Games that can be a bit silly, a bit hard to get into, even… but you can convince everyone, if you really try, that they’re actually really quite good.
But those games are all a bit too mainstream these days. I still want a sprinkling of Kate-brand weirdness, so maybe it’s time to…
Promote Old Favourites
Oh, you thought my entire wishlist was now empty? Ha ha ha, no, you fool! I have more things I want. They just weren’t as formalized as the games I already mentioned.
So, perhaps it’s time to formalize them. Let them rise up the ranks to ‘Kate never shuts up about this game’ territory. I feel like the Queen (RIP) knighting a bunch of near-death celebrities.
So, let’s see. Let’s reach into this grab bag of long-lost wishes and find out what we have.
Ooh, Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth? Haven’t seen you in a while! Oh, there’s something stuck to you — ah, of course, it’s just a Post-It note with ‘TRANSLATE THE SEQUEL YOU B*****DS’ written on it in blood. Let’s just call that a two-for-one deal.
What else is in here? Ah, Nonary Games, hello! There’s a note on this one, too: ‘Release the trilogy please’. Ooh. Potentially controversial, given that the third game, Zero Time Dilemma, looks like hot garbage, but sure. It’s nice to have all three games together at last. And, honestly, given how important these games were to the DS catalog… it’s surprising that they still aren’t on Switch.
There’s more stuff in here, though. Hotel Dusk and Last Window, let’s just put those over here, and… Minish Cap remake? Go on then. Oh, this one’s really big, wha— a Professor Layton box set? That would be cool, wouldn’t it? This one here is another piece of paper, and it just says ‘New Animal Crossing‘, that makes sense… and, ooh, ‘Fallout on Switch’? That’ll never happen. But I wouldn’t say no.
That’s it. The bag is now empty. Wait, no, there’s a message stitched into the lining! It just says…
‘GIVE LEVEL-5 A BILLION DOLLARS AND LET THEM MAKE WHATEVER.’
Well, alright then.
Lean Into The Power
Clearly, someone at Nintendo is listening to me. It’s the only answer that makes sense. But this means I have the ear of someone powerful enough to greenlight all the games I love… and now that I have all the games I love, I could use this power for EVIL.
I am the person that makes games happen, for a small fee.
Well, not evil, exactly. More like… capitalism. Although what’s the difference, am I right? Ha ha ha. Perhaps I can lend out my power to people who don’t yet have everything they want. What’s that? You want a proper F-Zero game on Switch? I can add that to my wishlist, which I’m assuming works a bit like the magical notebook in Death Note, and someone will somehow see it and get it done. That’ll be $20.
Soon, I will become even more beloved and respected than Nintendo themselves. I am the person that makes games happen, for a small fee. Perhaps the fee changes based on various factors, like how long the title is — if you want one of those anime games with three subtitles, that’s gonna cost extra to factor in the wrist pain it’s going to cause me. Or if you want something that’s going to be a pain for Nintendo to make, there will be a little extra fee for being difficult. I have to keep my overlords happy, you know.
Please call 1-800-NINTENDO-PLS to book me.
Get Even More Specific
Perhaps it’s foolish to keep my wishlist to games only. Perhaps… it’s time to get more granular up in this shiz.
There are lots of things I would like to see Nintendo do with the Switch, outside of just games. I’m not alone in most of these, and some are obvious — fix Joy-Con drift forever, add proper folders and themes to the Switch homepage, make the My Nintendo Rewards actually worth something…
But I think we can do better. Here are some ideas.
- A mix-and-match Joy-Con shop where you can get basically any color you want, and you can MAKE THEM MATCH [Japan has this already, Kate. Because Japan. – Ed.]
- Charles Martinet’s new job at Nintendo is that he can now be hired out for Mario-themed birthday parties
- Nintendo starts selling the Kirby car as an actual, viable vehicle
- Isabelle from Animal Crossing can be hired as your Personal Assistant to help you get your life together
- Nintendo Directs start being fun again, just like they were in the Iwata / Reggie era
I’m open to more suggestions.
Although… if Nintendo is watching my wishlist, maybe I have to start thinking of it like a genie wish. You know, where you wish for a ton of money, but the genie interprets that in a really mean way, and kills both your parents so you get their inheritance? I should be more specific, just to cover my ass.
Final Switch Wishlist
So, here is my final top-ten wishlist:
- Miles Edgeworth duology on Switch, but the visuals are better than the HD re-draws, and also the original game is maybe 15% faster in the endgame, because boy does that last case drag on
- A Nonary Games trilogy, including Zero Time Dilemma, but it comes with a note telling people that they can totally just play the first two, no hard feelings
- A Minish Cap remake in the style of the Link’s Awakening remake but EVEN CUTER
- A Professor Layton box set. I don’t care how much this costs, I’ll buy it
- Fable 2 port, but Peter Molyneux isn’t allowed to make any changes
- Mix-and-match Joy-Cons with the drift magically fixed
- I’m serious about wanting an IRL Kirby Car
- Nintendo gives the Yakuza developers a bunch of no-strings cash to port the games over to Switch, and the eventual releases do NOT look like how Mortal Kombat 1 does
- Hotel Dusk re-release on Switch that somehow still works like a book? This is someone else’s problem to figure out
- THIS SPACE LEFT BLANK FOR YOUR REQUESTS
What are your thoughts? What should go in that blank space? And how is your wishlist looking these days? Let me know in the comments below!